I didn’t know what was going on. Didn’t understand what was going on- in fact, I didn’t want too.
I couldn’t feel myself. Numb. Couldn’t see myself. I missed all the signs, they missed all the signs. By the end of the day, no one could read between the lines. No one did know how to ask the “How?” “Why?” and “What is happening?”.
How can one ask you a question you can’t even ask yourself? A question that simple and yet so heavy to ask.
I felt so heavy hearted. Lost. Confused. Miserable. I was losing control and yet I had full control of it. At first, I didn’t know what I was doing but the truth is, as time flies by you become a prisoner in your own skin. The demons.
Have you ever felt this sort of heaviness before? Stuck? I can tell you, it’s hard to get out.
Control. I had it all.
Discipline. I had it in me, more than I should have at that point.
Am I abnormal? Insane? What is the outcome of this? What happens when it all comes to an end? Will I lose control, completely? Go mad? Crazy.
Tear sadness why can’t you leave me. I can’t breathe. I don’t want to die on my own suffering.
I can’t breathe, please save me. I can’t think straight. If you have an idea how to stop this, please help.
Then again, don’t!
I don’t want it, I only want you to realize that something is going on, on my mind, in the way I look, the way I carry myself. Why can’t you see it? Why is it taking you so long to see?
Tear, sadness please leave me.
20,30,40,50,60 how much can I have? Maybe I’ll go with a 100 today. Is it too much? Am I going to be punished?
I need to punish myself or someone else will- with their words.
Words! I can’t take it anymore. You are one of the reasons why I am here today. YOU, you got me here. I wish I had a button to turn you off.-Nothing
Dear Blue Jeans, I love you now more than I did last year. You fit perfectly and yet I could still change something and make it better.
I had 125 today but “MyProana” (Pro-Anorexia Website) said to only have 20 today. I am scared, I probably gained. Advice, please! The girls said to only have water and an apple today and walk for about 2 hours and then sleep to forget and ignore all the signs my body was sending me.
Skinny. Fat.Binge.Skinny.Fat.Binge.Skinny.Fat.Binge.Skinny.Fat. What am I?
I tried to hide it but they brought the doctors. Starring at me as if I was crazy and asking me questions I didn’t want to answer.
“You need to speak otherwise I can’t help you.”- he said but all I wanted was for him to shut up and leave me alone so I could sleep.
Tired. Moody. Angry. Emotional. Weak. Sad. This is all I was feeling. All of it at once, in an amount I’ve never felt before in my whole life.
He said: “You look sad and scared. How many years have you been feeling this way? Did you tell anyone? Do your friends know? You need to work with me, I am here to help you. Do you want me to send your parents outside? How many times did you try to commit suicide? Have you? Your parents think you have tried before. Do you cry a lot? You need to work with me, I am not going to force you but I want to help you.
In my head I was seeing my own brain become bigger and bigger and explode, somehow all this talking was making me angry. I wanted to shout at him and tell him to shut up. Just shut up.
I am okay. I am alive isn’t that what you want me to say but the truth is you don’t really care about me.
He looked at me and said: Julia you are sick! You’re suffering from depressions which keeps you away from sleeping at night. You are bulimic and anorexic. Have you ever heard about that? Do you take medicines? We need to put her on some medicines. You are extremely underweight. If you can’t promise me to get better you have to stay here.
Somehow, I wasn’t listening and I didn’t want too, all I heard was that they wanted to keep me there and feed me.
I don’t have a problem. I am just fine, so why is my mother crying and my father is saying it’s all his fault?
I am fine and I am still here so stop making this all about you.
This is the only picture I will share, it’s from the time I recovered and some people will say it’s a normal healthy looking person but for my age at that time I was still underweight and being bulimic or having an eating disorder shows differently to everyone, after all, we all have different types of bodies.
H e l l o Lovebirds!
A lot of people ask me how I become vegan, my story and my eating situation in the past. So I worked on this short story to let you in on something I rarely share with people especially not on SocialMedia, so you can guess that this is not easy for me to post but then no one is making me post this- I just want to have you guys understand and read between the lines. We are all not perfect in any shape of form- We are all different and that’s okay and we all have our issues and even if everything appears to be okay from the outside, only we can really say if we are okay or not okay.
I had to bring myself back to the time I lost control for years, didn’t really know what I was doing but somehow in a weird way I DID have control over it, in order for you to understand how I was thinking at that time, you can read my words over and over again and I will explain more in part 2 and all about how and why I became vegan.
I will not insert some pictures from that time because I this is not for you to start feeling bad about yourself it’s about me trying to help someone out there. So I deleted almost all the pictures from that time when I looked like a 12-year-old although I was way older when it all started to take the wrong turn.